ad astra per alia porci

September 5, 2008, 4:17 pm
Filed under: diary

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.

Leo Tolstoy, Family Happiness

Everything has changed suddenly- the tone, the moral climate; you didn’t know what to think, whom to listen to. As if all your life you had been led by the hand like a small child and suddenly you were on your own, you had to learn to walk by yourself. There was no one around, neither family nor people whose judgment you respected. At such a time you felt the need of committing yourself to something absolute- life or truth or beauty– of being ruled by it in place of the man-made rules that had been discarded. You needed to surrender to some such ultimate purpose more fully, more unreservedly than you had ever done in the old familiar, peaceful days, in the old life tht was now abolished and now gone for good.

Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago

(highlights my own)

Simplification results in concentration. When the excess, superfluous flab is cut from life, what is left is what that matters. I need to remove distractions from my life and embrace simplicity, once again. The last few weeks and months have been marked by intense internal turmoil and mental housekeeping. A large dose of simplicity would do wonders to my life and psyche.

So here is how I am going to do it. I will start by reducing unnecessary contact with the outside world, so that I can look deeper inside and find what I want. I will only switch on my mobile once per day, to check for important text messages. I will not call anyone with my mobile, nor will I receive any phone calls. I will only check my email once a day, be it my personal email or my school email account. I will only log on to MSN once per day, at the most; most days I will not be online at all even though I might be on the computer. The sole thing I will do is write on this blog, as it aids the organisation and development of my thoughts.

The irony is that I am cutting down areas of life so that I can find something much more. I need superabundance achieved through simplification, and I am feeling that already in my life. My running routine has evolved from a stubborn adherence to the same old path to the carefree unplanned exploration of areas around my neighbourhood and beyond. I have broken free of the stiffling confines and mechanical coldness of the gym to embrace the simple, invigorating yet immensely challenging calisthenics intervals I am doing now. My body feels lighter; muscle volume has went down yet my body feels sinewy and ready. I have a healthy reddish-brown tan now. I am reigniting my passion for literature and I am reading much more outside of the law school syllabus. I am trying out different kinds of foods and perfecting my bread recipes. I need to maintain and improve upon this state of mind. Note that I did not say state of affairs.

Now, a retreat to a life untouched by the white noise of technology and pointless human interaction should help me calm my soul and focus even more on what is truly important. Yes, I am not entirely sure what is truly important now; my previous belief in what I think is important has been deeply shakened by recent events and revelations through examining my position in relation to certain people in my life. But at least I know that I am a lost sheep, and I am trying to regain some modicum of certainty and truth. The purity of an existence unencumbered by the worries of human affairs might help lead me to the light at the end of the tunnel, and I might reemerge and reintegrate into the world then, after I am done with my search.

Till then, I hibernate in the depths of my mind, soul and loneliness.


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